Tart Cider: Happy Christmas, your arse

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December 25, 2005

Happy Christmas, your arse

Canadians are the worst sports fans in the world. To all of them out there who are absolutely apoplectic that Todd Bertuzzi was chosen to represent Canada in Turin (or saddened, or appalled, or considering cheering for those gentle, noble Finns, or whatever other forms this outrage takes), I have one simple question: How long would have been enough for you? The most popular answer, so far as I can see, is simply "more than what he got." This is known in the business as a "cop-out".

No less an authority than the Toronto Star's editorial board is of the opinion that Bertuzzi should have been banned for life, but there is simply no precedent in the annals of the NHL history for such a penalty. And commenters in said newspaper, their pants sticky with self-righteousness, have conveniently omitted their preferred penalty in favour of the usual ranting and raving. To wit:

Jack Sim from Toronto says: "He does not represent me or my values. Any other Canadian that did what he did would be in jail, and not out making millions of dollars."

Alex and Janet Duff from Oakville say: "What kind of message does this send to our youth? Do whatever you want in life because there are not really any consequences!"

Wayne Powers of Saskatoon agrees: "We tell our kids there are repercussions for their actions, and turn a blind eye to Bertuzzi and Heatley. Heatley should not go either."

Kristan Jones of Bala too: "He ruined the NHL career of a fellow athlete, yet his punishment was a slap on the wrist and he still gets to make a wealthy living…"

These arguments — the first, and the next three in combination — are popular, and they are nonsense. As I've said before, the suspension the NHL handed Bertuzzi was easily the most severe in its history: 20 NHL hockey games (including seven playoff tilts, not including however many more Bertuzzi's play might have netted the Canucks), the entire 2004-2005 hockey season, two World Championships and the World Cup. He lost half a million US dollars in NHL salary, plus an estimated $350,000 in endorsements, plus whatever he could have earned in Europe last year — if he'd caught AK Bars Kazan's fancy, for instance, potentially well over a million samolians.

That's 13 regular season games, seven playoff games, three international tournaments and likely upwards of two million American dollars. I've seen lenience, and it doesn't look anything like that.

Many of this theory's proponents will give you the "he should be in jail" line, too, as if we routinely hand out life sentences to those who rob people of their livelihoods. There are, what, like eight people in Canada serving true life sentences? A first-time offender who did actually manage to recreate Bertuzzi's suckerpunch/piledriver act on a downtown Toronto sidewalk would probably get probation. The idea that he'd get 20 months in prison is richer than my grandmother's trifle. Burp.

The suspension is to the on-ice act as the prison sentence is to the on-sidewalk act, after all: a lifetime ban is equivalent to a life sentence. Thus, banning Bertuzzi for life from NHL hockey would have been totally out of step with how we treat offenders in non-hockey contexts. I don't anticipate any cessation of bleating to the contrary, mind you. I'm willing to debate whether Bertuzzi should have been left off this Olympic team as a gesture of disapproval towards his actions, but not until everyone calms the bloody hell down.

To me, the real story of the week was the anonymous (and ultimately groundless) cowardice coming out of the Canadian Olympic Committee. We can have a reasonable discussion about Bertuzzi, but questioning Dany Heatley's and Shane Doan's worthiness is beyond the pale. Doan especially — he's been officially cleared of any wrongdoing by the league after some very fuzzy accusations of calling linesman Stephane Auger a "frog", and that is (or should be) that. Cue Denis Coderre, former secretary of state for amateur sport, who said the following of the non-incident (please read aloud using Don Cherry's girly-man voice):

It's totally unacceptable and I sent a letter to Bob Nicholson, the president of Hockey Canada, and I'm sending all the messages that I can to all my sports colleagues [former colleagues –ed.] to send a clear message that as long as Mr. Doan doesn't apologize and show that he truly regrets his gesture that he shouldn't be there as a member of this team, period.

Truly this is the former secretary of state for amateur sport that Canadians deserve. Shane Doan arguably shouldn't be on Team Canada because he's not a good enough hockey player, but Wayne is presumed to be wise in this regard. Coderre certainly shouldn't be an MP, because he's an idiot. I shan't wait up for his apology.

Any lingering antipathy towards Dany Heatley, meanwhile, seems to me to stem entirely from the public's unslakeable thirst to see rich young athletes come a cropper (and from an incredibly stubborn rumor that he was drunk, which he was not). If he'd been driving a Honda he might never have even been charged, and we'd think of Dan Snyder's death as a tragic accident — which would be great, I think, since that's what it obviously was. I don't care what the law in Georgia says — calling what Heatley did homicide is ridiculous, and even hinting that it's grounds for his exclusion from the Olympics, especially anonymously, is more or less akin to pissing on Snyder's grave.

Notice how it's "about the victim" in the case of Steve Moore, who seems to hold a very justifiable grudge, but somehow not about the victim in the case of Dan Snyder, whose family famously supported Heatley from the get-go? Funny how that works. One way or the other, it always ends up being about us, the participants in Canada's third and fourth national sports — pietistic sermonizing, and self-loathing.

These people who wouldn't dream of watching Bertuzzi play hockey in red and white are the same people who cheer on Adam van Whoosits — you know, the canoe guy, yay Canada! — but recoil in bombastic disgust when Perdita Felicien biffs on a hurdle. Then, for want of a mirror, they fire off letters to the Toronto Star wondering what the problem is. My Canada includes both Todd Bertuzzi and Steve Moore, but it does not include these people. They've already guaranteed themselves a lousy New Year, and I hope they had a really crummy Christmas too.

Posted by Chris Selley at December 25, 2005 10:41 PM

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Comments

What Heatly did would also be classified as a homicide in Canada and he would have received about the same sentence up here.

But I do agree Heatly should be on the team. His mistake exhibits poor judgment off the ice and not poor sportsmanship on it.

Bertuzzi received about the same sentence any rec. league player doing the same thing would likely get ( no jail ) . In addition a judge is entitled to look at other sanctions that have been imposed on a offender. I think the punishment Bertuzzi received from both the court and the NHL were just about right but the Olympics is a different story.

Even though pros are now allowed the idea of the Olympics has been ,and continues to be, all about sportsmanship. We should not only be sending our players who've an established history of top skills on the ice- we should also be sending the players that have exhibited the best in sportsmanship. Bertuzzi does not have that history. I think we as a nation belittle sportsmanship by sending him so soon after the incident.

As well, it's going to be a distraction. It already is a distraction can you imagine what its going to be like with the world hockey press there? You don't think the ones from "A" pool teams aren't going to be looking for ways to dis us. We've just given them at least two good stories - the original goonery followed by the controversy back home. Then there's the third story about how the controversy has caused Canada to play the way they are ( good or bad ). We don't need that. That might not be Bertuzzi's fault but he carries that baggage none the less.

I don't think he should have to pay for this for the rest of his life. He's paid his debt to society , the NHL and, once the litigation gets settled, he'll be paying Steve Moore - but Internationally he should face the same ban that other gross transgressors of sportsmanship get ( dope cheats ) - 2 yrs first offense, life for the 2nd. Sadly, Bertuzzi is a few weeks short.

Posted by: Nbob at December 26, 2005 04:53 AM

I should say - at least as long as other gross.... -

Dope cheats don't endanger other lives or end others playing days.

Posted by: Nbob at December 26, 2005 04:59 AM

I think some of us confuse a hockey player getting the chance to play for their national teams versus doing their job playing hockey and earning money. The former is a priviledge and honour granted to you, while the latter is your livelihood.

If the league has decided that you have served your punishment, fine. But players who play for the national team have a more public, representative role, they set an example for what we think a hockey player should represent. Its funny that Bertuzzi would even be considered to be representative of what any Canadian feels is a good representation of what we think hockey is about.

Posted by: lk at December 26, 2005 05:16 PM

As I've said before, the suspension the NHL handed Bertuzzi was easily the most severe in its history: 20 NHL hockey games (including seven playoff tilts, not including however many more Bertuzzi's play might have netted the Canucks), the entire 2004-2005 hockey season, two World Championships and the World Cup.

Wow, the entire 2004-2005 season? You're absolutely right, that was harsh. Mind you, if that added up to more than zero games, that might actually mean something.

Posted by: Dave Ruddell at December 27, 2005 12:32 AM

Congratulations, Mr. Ruddell: you have taken the shortest path I know of to comprehensively declaring oneself a complete idiot. As I've personally had to explain to at least one hundred people (and as Selley more or less states specifically in the entry), Bertuzzi's suspension for 2004-05 applied not just to NHL games but to all IIHF-sanctioned competitions at the club and international level. The Satan of Hockey therefore lost the chance to play in Europe, which 300-plus NHLers chose to do and for which Bertuzzi could easily have earned more money than you'll see in a year at your McDonald's till.

In general, only those who are actually aware of the penalty levied against Bertuzzi--to, say, the nearest million dollars--can be permitted an opinion on the subject. Regrettable but fair.

Posted by: Colby Cosh at December 27, 2005 02:44 AM

My Gosh, I've been Coshed! And worse yet, deservedly so! BTW, it's Dr. Ruddell, buddy...

Anyhow, I obviously didn't know that the suspension applied to IIHF sanctioned competitions, otherwise I would not have posted my comment. I was quite wrong. In my defense, Mr. Selley’s post refers to “the suspension the NHL handed Bertuzzi” (emphasis mine), and doesn’t mention that the IIHF implemented it for their competitions as well. Okay, that’s super weak, but I’m trying to save my ego here!

Furthermore, my previous post does not "...[take] the shortest path I know of to comprehensively declaring oneself a complete idiot." Through my post I declare my self an ignoramus, and as I'm sure you know, ignorance is an acute condition, whereas idiocy is chronic.

Of course, now that I've been cured of my ignorance (in this matter) I will now go out and proselytize - and feel superior - when others of my acquaintance spout off with ignorance of their own. It will help soothe the sting of being Coshed.

Posted by: Dave Ruddell at December 27, 2005 11:30 PM

Don't surrender so easily, Doc. Tallying up the Bertuzzi's penality by adding up potential losses for theoretical games in far off lands and potential endorsement money is a mugs game. You tell me if a money NHL player would prefer THAT or 60 or 40 games off his guaranteed multi-million dollar NHL contract.

Yeah, I know. Nobody gets suspended for that long in the NHL. This case seemed like a good place to start.

Incidentally, part of the public reaction to this case is the fact you need to commit the time spent by Cosh and Selley adding up Bertuzzi's potential income sources to figure out what he may (or may not) have lost in order to conclude that the punishment fit the crime. Give him 50 games, and everybody goes home satisfied except Steve Moore and Vancouver fans.

Posted by: Les at December 28, 2005 01:48 PM

You forgot Doan, a lot of people don't want him going either because of anti-French comments he allegedly made, which he denies having made.

Whether you can dissect the arguments or not, it's still hard to cheer for the Bertuzzi and that, rational or not, is significant.

Besides, look at their stats, Bertuzzi, Draper, Doan, these guys just aren't good enough to make such a team. I'd prefer really elite players to be getting ice time over there, such as Staal, Crosby and Spezza.

Posted by: just at December 28, 2005 03:40 PM

Clearly Dr. Ruddell is neither ignoramus or idiot, but a supreme mensch who just wandered into the wrong saloon. Sorry about the hair-trigger, dude--people who are (very) late getting the point that Bertuzzi was outlawed from the only hockey being played in '04-'05 actually deserve scorn less than people like Les who, knowing the facts of the case, dismiss an entire year of European hockey as "theoretical." Would Les like to explain to fans of MoDo AIK or Avangard Omsk exactly what they were watching that season, if not genuine professional hockey? I've never met an honest-to-god solipsist before, and I find the prospect thrilling.

Posted by: Colby Cosh at December 28, 2005 06:37 PM

Would Les like to explain to fans of MoDo AIK or Avangard Omsk...

Oh, come now Mr. Cosh, you just made those names up.

Posted by: Dave Ruddell at December 29, 2005 12:26 AM

I mean, as if we are to believe that Maureen Dowd has a European hockey team named after her! How stupid do you think we are?

Posted by: Dave Ruddell at December 29, 2005 12:31 AM