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"See you on November 7, 2071!" |
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Founder |
William Miller, who predicted that Christ would return to earth, at the latest, on Tuesday, October 22, 1844, and whose followers gave away all their possessions in anticipation of said event. Christ's no-show is to this day known by observers as "The Great Disappointment." |
| World Headquarters | Silver Spring, MD |
| Congregations | 46,740 |
| Door-to-door evangelism? | Ding-dong. |
| Famous observers | Sexually ambiguous musicians Little Richard and Prince (turned Jehovah's Witness); Fijian coup leader George Speight; Dastardly David Koresh. |
| Chicks/dudes |
Not before marriage. Remarriage is out unless your spouse screwed around on you, and you can't marry a fellow divorcee unless they were also screwed around on. |
| Contraception | A moot point. |
| Alcohol | No. Your body is a "temple to the Holy Spirit." |
| Homosexuality | Your ass, too. |
| Abortion | Frowned upon. Then scowled at, and perhaps slapped around a little is they're in an especially bad mood. Grudging allowances are made for rape or incest victims. |
| Afterlife | Not until God returns to earth. Until then your dead ass is in limbo, playing euchre and drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke — for an extra thousand years if you're a sinner. |
| Ease of sin forgiveness (1-10, 10 being easiest) | 7.4 |
| Peculiarities | All. |
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