Them's good eats.
 
"Scenic," "wonderful," "fabulous," "fascinating" and "tolerable" are all adjectives that have been inappropriately applied to this sprawling expanse of semi-urban mediocrity. Cultural diversity here goes no further than the divide between rich kids from Toronto attending Queen's University and the "townies," a motley assortment of mesh caps, pickup trucks and pancake makeup.

 

approximately 70,000
 
• Professional hockey players Kirk Muller, Doug Gilmour and Dave Ellett
• Female hockey player and "great individual" Jayna Hefford
• Hockey commentator and scourge of the girlish Don Cherry
• Sir John A Macdonald, Canada's first Prime Minister
• Iconic and increasingly pretentious Canadian rock band The Tragically Hip (see wretched lyrics below)
• Washed up Blues Brother Dan Aykroyd
• Insipid balladeer Bryan Adams
 
• First capital of Canada
• Freshwater sailing capital of North America
• Eight penitentiaries: Kingston (max. security, home to Paul Bernardo), Millhaven (max. security), Collins Bay (med. security), Joyceville (med. security), Bath (med. security), Frontenac (min. security), Pittsburgh (min. security) and Isabel McNeil House (min. security B&B for women)
• Claims to have hosted world's first ice hockey game. Claim is disputed by Montreal and Halifax, rendering claim pathetic

 

"This is Tiger the Lion / gimme the Knuckles of Frisco / If there's danger in the language, gentlemen / I suggest no further use of the two-way radio."

 

"That nice part. You know, down by the water." Also, 14 Tim Horton's donut shops, including locations at 312, 681, 2260 and 2435 Princess Street. (Tim Horton was a hockey player who died and left Canada a glorious chain of donut shops-cum-community centres. The muffins, which are filled with goo, are gross.) Highway 401 or VIA Rail east to Montreal (recommended) or west to Toronto. In an emergency, the desperate might charter a plane from the small airport or attempt to traverse the St Lawrence River by dinghy or other floating conveyance. Unlimited. The Canadian psyche effortlessly combines self-loathing with civic pride.

 
In an effort to make the city appear vibrant, City Council commissioned this cardboard chamber music ensemble and placed it in a shaded area of downtown. Other examples of "cutout culture" can be found throughout the city: a tastefully dressed senior citizen couple holding hands while feeding the birds; a woman reading Shakespeare on her lunch break from a job she does not hate; and a black person.
 

The Kingston Trio, who performed "Sloop John B," a song about sailing, which is popular in Kingston. Not "the nice part." At the Kingston Prison for Womyn, hardline feminist guards keep a firm grip on their charges with Tasers, mind-bending anti-depressants and daily readings from Andrea Dworkin. And sometimes, nose poison.