| Separated from the better-known
and only slightly less revolting horrors of Manchester by a
denuded stretch of soot-covered mooscape only the British could
deem worthy of a national park, Sheffield dukes it out with
Birmingham, Leeds, Liverpool and numerous other urban centres
for the title of "Armpit of the North." |
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approximately
500,000 |
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Genius
comedian Michael Palin |
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Nine-armed
hair band Def Leppard |
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Spastic
soul man Joe Cocker |
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Quatregenarian
Britpoppers Pulp |
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Middling
novelist Margaret Drabble |
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Annoying
featherweight pugilist Prince Naseem Hamed |
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Cutlery production |
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Europe's highest
industrial city, affording quicker access to the welcome gamble
of the afterlife |
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Abandoned gas works
passed as bombed-out Vietnamese City in Stanley Kubrick's Full
Metal Jacket |
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World's longest
lasting rainbow, recorded from 9am-3pm on March 14, 1994,
concurrently with South Yorkshire's longest recorded rainless
period |
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The Full Monty,
a film about how hard it is to be happy in England |
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"Europe's
largest artificial ski resort." Claim is roughly analogous
to Saskatoon claiming "the largest curling rink in the
Americas" |
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Hillsborough soccer
disaster |
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An unidentified man
contemplates suicide while angling at a lifeless Sheffield pond. |
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| None of any
significance. Claims to be Britain's greenest city, and to have
quadruple the number of trees as people. An obvious fabrication: there
are fewer than one million trees on the British Isles. |
Quickly.
Flights go to London and Dublin; mainline trains will, barring
derailment, collision or massive delay, whisk you south towards London
and (recommended) Paris. By car, head west around Manchester to
Liverpool harbour, whence a boat will transport you to Ireland and sweet
serenity. |
Extreme.
Residents seem to suffer from a misguided sense of civic pride (e.g.
"we have lots of trees!"), and would no doubt claim their city far
superior to the many surrounding it. |
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| Next to its seaside resorts
and its mixed-race communities, leisure centres (Hillsborough
Leisure Centre, pictured) are the worst
places in England. Salient features include waterslides, video
games, deep-fried foods and the faint but pervasive odour of
vomit. |
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| Sheffield
youth: abandoned quite some time ago. |
The
Malin Bridge tram transports downtrodden locals and horrified
visitors towards the relative beauty of the suburbs. |
Sheffield's
hottest nightspot. |
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