When I was in second grade for the fourth time, they hired this lady to sit with me at my desk. Originally, my teacher asked if I could be tied to my desk. I liked the idea but the principal and my mom said no. I asked Mom about 112 times if I could do it. She kept saying no. But I thought it would have been really cool. It would have been like being a dog and I could have had my own leash and just wander around my desk in a big circle and try to dig up the carpet in the classroom.

I had already started a little hole during recesses, when I would lie down on the floor under my desk and pretend to sleep. But I was actually chewing through the carpet. With my magic helmet on, nobody could see me doing it. It was easy.

The thing I really wanted to do as a dog was poo wherever I was. By my fourth time in grade two I was pretty tired of wearing the diaper. My mom said that adults wear them so that made me a grown up too. I told her that was stupid and she sent me to my room without letting me watch Happy Days. I was so mad at her I didn't even let her in my room to tie my bed harness.

Sometimes I have really bad dreams and end up falling out of the bed. My Dad thought it would be safer if they put the mattress on the ground, but I rolled out of bed one night and crashed into a bookcase and my only trophy fell on my head. I actually didn't notice anything until the nurse asked me if I could be a good boy and wake up for her.

She's my favourite nurse… Susan. Every time I'm at the hospital I see her. If she's not working, I call her from the nurse’s desk.

So they tie me to my bed now. It is really comfortable. The straps have a fluffy side and that goes against my arms and legs. At first I didn't have to wear the head strap, but one night I had my recurring nightmare about the guy who sells ice cream and hits kids with his paddle. That night, I guess I got hit in the head by the Ice Cream Man and banged my head against the bed frame. Hi Susan!

So I had to wear the head strap. It really helped; although the bad thing was that I did not get to see Susan for a while. That was until I decided to tie myself to my desk when my monitor wasn't looking. I went through the whole day without her noticing – it was really hard when I was lying on the floor. Then, when the school day ended, I got out of my chair and ran for home. I think I stayed conscious for about five seconds after my leash started choking me.

Earlier that day, at lunch, one of the kids in grade eight came up to me. I remembered him from when we were in kindergarten. He told me that there was going to be a fight after school and someone was going to get beat up. I asked him who and he handed me a piece of paper that said “Y-O-U.” I asked the people in my class who that was and they laughed at me until I kicked them so hard they cried. First year grade twos are such babies.

The End